I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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