One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
