do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
