I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
