I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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