I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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