I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
