he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
