I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
