this boner is exhausting
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize