It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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