I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
