Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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