do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize