tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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