i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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