508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
