the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
