I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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