i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
