i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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