I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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