you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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