Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
