I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
