Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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