I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
