I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
