So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
