I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
