how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
