Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
