Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry about my life...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize