Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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