Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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