there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
