I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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