I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
