Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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