I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
