You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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