Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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