we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
