well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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