my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
