Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
