her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
