Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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