is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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