Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
