Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
