it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm really busy with my period
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