can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
