Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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