I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
