Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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