i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You ruined the universe
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
